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“nips and slips and pennies and shits.”  — matt clay

“this is the best movie i’ve seen in three years.”  — matt clay

“if you say this movie sucks again, i will kill you.”  — matt clay, directed at his loving wife (oh and he’s kidding folks.  he can’t kill me – i hold the key to his balls).

as you can tell, watching the movie showgirls changed the inner workings of matthew’s (barely there) soul.  he has crafted a statue out of vegan butter in honor of elizabeth berekly which would be all fine and dandy if it didn’t hinder my ability to pry the peanut butter jar from the recesses of the refrigerator.  also, it’s creepy.  also, i’m not sure where matthew was going in the first quote.  let’s all be scared together.

but nevertheless, my husband is a changed man.  and let me be clear, this really has nothing to do with elizabeth berkely herself.  matt’s one of those rare men who’s, well, obsessed with his wife.  and if someone asked him if he’d ever have an affair, he’d most likely reply “ew, no!  germs!” while dancing in a jittery circle, shaking his jazz hands.  but that doesn’t mean he can’t get down with the idea of blatant nudity, especially when that nudity is featured as part of a “serious” role and played by jessie from saved by the bell.  it’s really all too delicious to think elizabeth actually thought this movie would be the first step in a promising career.  i mean if we would have drank each time we saw her snatch we’d both be dead by now.  then who would ava have to kick the crap out of?  who?

if you haven’t seen showgirls let me take a moment to lift my jaw off the butter splattered floor.

it is the best movie ever made.

and i mean that with every ounce of my raisin of a heart.

first of all, elizabeth, or should i say, “nomi”, is angry.  all the time.  at everything.  and she’s not one of these quiet, brooding types who kills her mother and no one knows it until they can smell the rotting body (oh, i just ruined your appetite?  well, people pay good money for that so i expect my check in the mail).  she’s more of the “let me bang my hands and head and feet and torso and ass against every hard object possible like cars or brick walls while spitting at the mouth and offering everyone within a twenty foot radius of me hateful, foreboding looks of angst.”  it. is. magical.

and there’s the snatch.  and the tits.  tits and snatch.  snatch and tits.  little more snatch with a dash of tits.  maybe elizabeth got confused and thought there was some sort of oscar given for random shots of snatch and tits and/or tits and snatch.  gotta lot of genitalia going on in this paragraph.  just like the movie.

but i have to say i was impressed.  with the supporting cast.  not only did they manage to get angry like normal people in this film, but they managed to do a decent job of acting.  quite a nice surprise in a field of random snatches.

lastly, snatch.  i mean, the story line.  somehow the protagonist, “nomi”, travels into las vegas with some elvis impersonator who leaves her stranded at a casino and steals her luggage.  somehow, at the end of the movie, “nomi” manages to get picked up by the same guy while she’s hitch hiking and gives him hell for stealing her shit which is made evident by the truck swerving willy nilly all over the road in the closing scene.  color me conservative but 1) she wouldn’t see that same guy again in real life and 2) reckless driving is no laughing matter.  neither are snatches.

i suppose the main highlight of the film was one “henrietta ‘mama’ bazoom” who acts as a big breasted MC of sorts at the Cheetah, the strip club where “nomi” “works” at the beginning of the film.  it’s delightful the way her top is mechanically fashioned to reveal her “bazooms” at any given moment.  simply delightful.

so all in all matt and ericka give this movie three snatches and two tits.  and a request to have our dignity shipped back to us.

p.s. – matt upgraded our direct tv package and now we get hbo, show time and skinemax.  snatches for everyone.

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i’ve showed you mine, now you show me yours, alabastard style.  link up to try to become the alabastard of the week.  there’s a free puppy in it for you.  a sweet, kissy-face, bundle of fun, nonexistent puppy.

oh and i forgot because i’m an idiot: the alabastard of the week is kerry from butler way!  congratulations kerry – go visit this woman.  because i like her lots.